Stay Chill

I am always trying to stay chill keep my mind and body centered keep my chi centered I do not want to ever keep anything inside of me where I am not centered because it is easy for me to just explode and just tell everybody off.   Then think maybe I should not have said that and worry about it.   But then think well I have already said that it is done.   But everyone needs that induvial or a group to confine or to be safe.   I am really non communitive in a lot of ways I am not sure if that is a flaw on my part or just a part of me that I feel like is a bad part of myself.      I am not sure if it is depression or sadness but the truth is there is a lot of sadness in me.   But that does not have to be a negative which it often is I have learned to deal with it through music and prayer.  I have learned to make it work for me.     When I was growing up discovering music was as if and still is  discovering lost treasure.   When I first saw the music video for stupid girl on MTV Garbage was expressing emotions that I had but could not understand that was experiencing which turned into angry because of my confussion.   Juliana Hateflied wrote in her memoir that writing songs is a way for her to make sense of her depression because there is nothing you can really do with it.   Or as Kylie Minogue once said confine in me.   I think one of the reasons that seeing the stupid girl music video was a starting point for Shairly Mansion scared me to death.   Here were a group of people who were expressing feelings about alienation indviuals who were creatures of the night sort of like Courtney Love in the doll parts song and music video the same thing.   I am not sure if I am good under pressure I wish I think I am soft which does me no good.   But I have always had an intact family and an excellent support of people around me.   Even if I am struggling in my life the notion that I have an exact supportive family gives me that comfort.   There are always people who want to ruin your party and want to take away any kind of joy away from you which I try to stay clear but I will sometimes find it.   I would like to return to the expression that the Austrians use no worries mate I love that it is a motto that I really wish I should adapt especially a recovering control freak such as myself.   But the most important aspect of no worries mate that is thinking biblically.   That is not the same as not caring.   Please do not confuse that with not caring because it is very easy to confuse the two because it is not the same.   But it is thinking that problems and issues will happen when you are ready for them because when you take a look back many will see that they would not have been prepared when a problem happens.   I once again have to thank Tiffany Hendra for her love and support.   One of my favorite Lee Aaron songs is called my babe from The Metal Queen’s album Diamond Baby Blues.   This dude is truly her  little baby her babe.    Which is extremely reassuring.   This song is more in the blues and jazz category which makes it extremely upbeat and sweet at the exact time.   Roxette released a great fun pop song called joyride.   I love the whistling in this song.   She says hello you fool I love you.   I’ll   take you on a sky ride sunshine is a lady who rocks you like baby that is tremendous.   Sara Evens song love you with all my heart I love the tempo and mood of this song the drums and beat of the song.   In the song Sara is go going to rock you baby and take away your maybe and you can rest in her loving arms.   Really a loving and vulnerable message which I am vulnerable which may not work for me in the long run but it is the truth.   I respect that Belinda Carlisle always goes in a different direction in each album.   One of the songs I really love from Belinda’s album A man and a woman is called into deep this is a ballad that is a pop song that is full of real  genuine emotion.   In this song Belinda asks to have a little faith baby?   A man and a woman features Belinda’s verision of the song always breaking my heart from Roxette which is an excellent verision I love the drum section of the song which I can really hear.   The best part about Belinda Carlisle she does not follow trends or what she thinks will be commercially successful she does the music she feels at the time which is what music is supposed to be  at least to me.   I also admire that Belinda has been so open about her past demons which is not easy to talk about to begin but to do it publicly I have much admiration for her.   Belinda says she is less tortured which is wonderful to hear.   It is diffcult to be a human being we have such contractions and emotions that make no sense.   It is almost as if God played a trick on us but I take comfort in the fact that all of this will make sense one day.   I cannot make sense of time I am not sure where it goes.   Most of the time the events that happen in my life feel as if they did not happen because I only remember what I emotionally connect.   But I take comfort in the fact that the party will one day end and that I will die.   Because hopefully all the questions I have will be answered.   But the most comforting aspect to all of this I am not required to worry about those questions because I am just a speck in an overall story that I cannot see clearly.